I heard your name spoken by someone else today. It’s been months since I heard it aside from the voice in my head and my heart started thumping loudly, I almost felt lightheaded. I wanted to ask her, how you are, if you think about me. Instead I said,
"I hope he’s doing well."
But I wanted to cry, really. I wanted to tell her I miss you. I wanted to tell her I’ve been thinking about you and I must have spoken your name silently inside my head a million times since you left. I wanted to say… I still love you. Please come back to me.
Instead I changed the topic.
I miss you but I am not sure why or how or in what category
I know I wish to be hugged and told nice things to but I don’t know if I would trust you to do it again
Because how can you look at me and say you love me yet feel not one glimpse of what I did
I miss you I do
I am hurt
Mostly I am hurt
If I couldn’t make you fall “in love” with me then who will
I don’t like this feeling and everything reminds me of you and it’s just hurt that pours over me
We were always more like friends than lovers because while I thought of you, you thought of her
It just hurts to know that even if you treat someone right and love them it could still not work out and it’s not your fault
It’s just not meant to be
I think I made you feel too much and forced you to think about things that made you scared. I think I opened you up and you were afraid I’d steal everything inside of you so you shut me out. I think you started asking questions you had never wondered before me, and I think you started looking deeper into things and it started to eat you alive. You lost your ignorance when you found me and you weren’t ready to face the real world yet. So you tried your best to find it in her and cut off your ties to me. I hope you’re having fun helping her pick out lip gloss flavors while I sit here wondering how many people are walking by me as broken as the sidewalk cracks
Do you ever go from texting someone every day to realizing you’re always the one texting first, so you eventually stop texting first to see if they even notice you two haven´t talked and they don´t realize it so you´re just stuck silently missing them knowing it´s not even worth it anymore because they obviously don´t care?
maybe if you knew
how many days I have spent
in a battle inside my own head
missing you then hating you,
telling myself that I don’t love you
or how many invitations I have declined;
or saturdays I have stayed in
pathetically waiting for your phone call.
maybe if you knew
how many letters I have composed
just to toss in the trash
or how many messages I have almost sent to you
but simply did not because I knew you wouldn’t reply
maybe then you would find it easier to love me than resent me
of course that’s unrealistic
but you should know, heartbreak has costed me my sense of reality.
You asked me what was wrong, and I told you it was nothing because I could not imagine trying to explain how much I miss you. You asked me again, and I told you it doesn’t matter because I know I could not handle your silence, screaming at me to understand that you don’t miss me.